Bar Wars II: Attack of the Phones
by Mr. Light Chicken Bulbs
Summary: After a hypnosis mess up, most of the J&D characters think they're from Star Wars! And what's wrong with all those phones? Sequel to Bar Wars I: The Fat Menace.
1. Daxter's Revenge

**Behold! The next, marvelous story in the Bar Wars series! REVENGE OF THE PHONES!**

**Jak: Phones.**

**Cir: Yes, phones. Now time for the very first chapter**

**_BAR WARS: ATTACK OF THE PHONES  
_Chapter One: Daxter's Revenge**

DAxter walked happily into te FL HQ. He hopped on the communicator. "So, what's new tatoo face?" he asked Torn.

"Have you seen Jak?" Torn asked.

"Yeah, he's sitting on his couch watching the'Friends' marathon on CBC," Daxter said.He walked to the centre of the table. "So what's going on? What's this do?"

"NO!"

Daxter pressed a button which turned on the hologram,right where Daxter was standing, which shocked the heck out of him. The hologram machineexploded, throwing Daxter back.

"You idiot!" Torn yelled. "That took forever to get right! We're defenceless now!"

"Defenceless, eh?" Erol, who was standingin the corner, said.

"Don't get ideas, KG boy."

"Hey, I'm human now!This is my home too!"

Torn turned back to Daxter. "Get out."

"But-"

"_NOW!.!.!.!_" DAxter ran out.

(At the half repaired Naughty Ottsel)

"Stupid Torn," Daxter said while pacing. "It wasn't my fault it blew up."

"Yeah, just like it wasn't my fault the metalheads broke into the city!" Praxis groaned.

A freedom guard operating a crane was holding tons of beams, which a guard on the rafters was taking. But the crane guard accidently pressed the drop button, and they dropped on Praxis, killing him. No one noticed. (Don't worry, he'll be back next chapter. I'm planning on him dying almost every chapter in this story)

"You know, rat boy, you could get some revenge," Pecker suggested. "I know someone very good at hypnosis."

"Okay!" Daxter said. "Lure him to Onin's tent. I'll bring everyone else to watch from the doorway."

"This I have to see," Kor said.

"Don't anyone care Praxis died?" Erol asked.

"I don't," Errol said. (When it's spelt Erol, it means Jak2 Erol. When it's spelt Errol, It's Cyber Errol. They're now two different people. And isn't it weird they changed the spelling of his name in Jak3?)

Everyone looked. "Since when has there been normal Erol and Cyber Errol?" Jak, who just arrived) asked.

"Since I got that magic book from Et Cetera," Erol said.

(At Onin's tent)

Torn walked into the tent. "You wanted to see me?" he said to Pecker. Just then Et steped out of the shadows. It turned out he was the hypnosis master.

Everyone was outside the door, looking in anxiously. "That's your cue!" Daxter said to Krew, who floated into the way so Torn couldn't escape, but they could see. Then Jak heard a clang from down the road.

"I'll be back in a minute," he said to Daxter before taking out his morph gun. He walked over to the turn and was lunged at by a metalhead. Jak's gyro blaster went flying out of his hand.

Kor picked it up. "What's this do?" He pulled the trigger. The drone flew out and over the rooftops.

Errol and Erol were talking. "I say we kill Jak first!" Errol said.

"No, let's get Torn!" Erol said. Then the drone flew above them. "What's that?" Erol asked.

"Uh-oh," Errol said, before he was rapidly shot and he fell down, motionless. "Man that hurt," he said before fainting.

Jak stuffed the metalhead's head in a garbage can. It jumped out but Kor walked over and glared at it. "Sorry sir," the metalhead said.

Et took out a wristwatch tied to a string. "I ran out of pocketwatches," he said to Pecker, who was giving him a weird look. "You are getting sleeeepy, sleeeeepy, you are going to sleep, which is when your eyes are closed and you are snoring."

Torn fell asleep. But since everyone who was watching in the door was looking at the stopwatch, they, AKA everyone but Jak, Kor, Erol, Errol, Kleiver, Praxis, Pecker, Oninand Veger, were looking the the wristwatch, they fell asleep too.

"You are a Star Wars character when I snap my fingers," Et said.

Then Pecker saw the ones at the door. "Wait!" But Et had snapped his fingers.

**There you go. Last time it was drunkness, this time it is hypnosis.**

**Jak: Yay! I'm not hypnotised!**

**Cir: That's right, review!**


	2. The Metalheads Plot

**This chapter is the second one! But time to see who reviewed. Wow, one already?**

**Jak: Noooo, there's four. Of course one!**

**Cir: Don't worry satan'stoasterstrudel, here's the update! And now, for the chapter!**

**_BAR WARS: ATTACK OF THE PHONES  
_Chapter Two: The Metalheads Plot**

"So, what do we do?" asked a metalhead.

"I don't know, this is serious!" said another.

Praxis walked up beside them. "Hey, Packman! Can I play?" he asked.

"No," the first metalhead said.

"Shouldn't you guys be plotting?" Praxis asked. "You know, to take over the town, kill me, kill Jak, get Errol's completely blown up war factory back together..."

"Meh," one said.

(At Onin's tent)

"No!" Pecker said as all of them woke up.

The hypnotised ones looked around confused, as though they didn't know where they were. Veger was walking by and accidently kicked a stone which hit Damas. "BOUNTY HUNTER!" he cried.

"What?" Veger said questioningly. "Oh, no. Not this again!" He began running screaming as Torn and Daxter ran after him. He jumped on a zoomer and the other two jumped in the same car.

"Shoot at him!" Daxter said as they drove passed Erol and Errol. Erol looked up and saw them. "They're doing Star Wars again," he said.

"Yep," Errol agreed.

Daxter threw a bar at Veger's zoomer and it blew up. Veger fell to the ground. Torn and Daxter jumped down beside him and the car hit a innocent citizen, who screamed a series of curses at them before limping to the hospital.

"Who do you work for?" Torn demanded.

"Erol you moron, and god I hate you!" he said before passing out.

Torn rubbed his chin. "Erol, eh?"

"That's what he said Odi Wack Canoe," Daxter said.

"This 'Erol' sounds untrustworthy," Torn said.

"Are you sure he din't say Errol?"

"Or Errrol?" a plant Erol clone said while picking his ear of dirt.

"Erol, did you say thecloning spell again?" Jak asked.

"Uh, maybe..."

"EROL!" Daxter and Torn took out their bar sabers and ran after him.

(At the metalhead nest)

One of the metalheads was laughing maniacally.

"What is it?" Praxis asked.

"I just hatched a diabolical scheme!" he said.

"What is this evil plan?" the other metalhead asked.

"'Diabolical', not evil, di-a-bol-ic-al."

"Still, what is it?"

"It's so evil, you'll cringe at the mere thought of it!"

"And then..."

"We'll eat the potiony thing to get Packman able to eat the ghosts!"

"Ooo, I like it! Mwahahahaha..." They both laughed maniacally.

"...ahahahaha..."

"...ahaha-"

"Shouldn't metalheads be planning to overrun the city?" Praxis asked in an obvious tone.

The first metalhead glared at Praxis then ate him. "Hey, it's pretty sweet in here!" Praxis said from inside the metalheaad's stomach. "Now it's getting hot... and burning my skin... ow... _ow! _AAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEeeee... ..."

(At Haven City)

Erol was running for his life when he ran into Jak. "Weren't you back there?" Erol asked.

Jak shrugged. "So why're you running?"

Erol glared at him. Then a fork went flying passed them and hit Errol in the back of the head. "That hurt!" He threw a missile which hit Torn and sent him flying back.

"We're under attack Anakin!" Torn said.

"I'll handle this!" Daxter said and took a pin from a grenade. It began ticking for some strange reason. "Stand back!"

"But... um... It's glued to your hand..."

**I love leaving it at places like that.**

**Praxis: Stop killing me!**

**Cir: (drops a piano on him) Anyone else wanna disagree?**

**Everyone else: (shakes heads rapidly)**

**Fee:Just for the hell of it,I do!**

**Cir: (drops piano on Jak)**

**Jak: (crawls out from under piano) Oooooooo... Why me?**

**Cir: You're her favourite character, review!**


	3. Praxis Won't Stop Dying!

**Just so you don't get confused, everytime it goes somewhere else or something like that in this chapter, Praxis will somehow come back to life and get killed.**

**Praxis: I hate you.**

**Cir: (shoots him) I like Praxis, but it's just funny to watch him die!**

**Torn: Especially to me!**

**_BAR WARS: ATTACK OF THE PHONES  
_Chapter Three: Praxis won't Stop Dying!**

Daxter tried to shake the grenade off but only managed to also get it stuck to his forehead as well. "Help me Odi!" he said.

Torn took out an electric shaver and shaved off the fur it was glued onto and threw it.

Praxis, who was happy at being alive, walked near them. "Hi, I-" The grenade landed at his feet. "What the f-" The grenade exploded, killing him in a big mushroom cloud visible from space.

"Wow, that's a big explosion," an astronot said.

"Cool!" Errrol said.

"You're on fire," Jak said.

"So?"

"You're an ent-like thing."

"Oh."

Torn and Daxter jumped in the car before they could react and drove away toward the port, thinking it was another planet. They thought Veger was working for Jak, who they thought was Sidious. In fact, Jak had made it to the port first and was involved in a conversation with Veger.

"I'm telling you, we'll save more money if we buy socks from people at dry cleaners then if we get them at stores!" Jak said.

"Now why didn't I think of that?" Veger asked himself.

"Maybe-"

Veger cut Praxis off. "Rhetorical question."

"Oh," Praxis said.

Torn and Daxter saw the three talking. "Look, Dooku is scheming with his master, Sidious!" Torn said.

Daxter nodded in agreement. "Who knows what terribly sickplans they're plotting..."

"I feel like playing Donkey Kong," Jak said. "I haven't played Nintendo for a while."

"I wonder why they named an ape donkey?" Veger asked.

Praxis was about to answer when the car missed hitting Jak or Veger and hit him into the port where he drowned.

"Well that was unexpected," Veger said. "We better make a diversion-" Then he noticed Jak was already halfway down the street on a yakow.

"Faster!" he said to the yakow. "Crap, he saw me!"

Torn took out a crow bar and him and Daxter jumped off the car, and it once again hit the same innocent bystander, who went to the hospital once again screaming curses and threats.

Torn swung his crowbar at Veger who screamed and ducked. Torn tried to hit him and Veger moved, screaming like a little girl. Torn tried again and again, but Veger kept moving. "Stop moving and fight like the bad guy you are!" Torn said.

"Because I have a reason to live!" Veger said.

"That guy sounds and looks like the bounty hunter!" Daxter said.

"You're right Anakin, there's only one logical explaination," Torn said. "FAIRY GODPARENYS!"

While they spoke, Veger crawled into the port and swam for his life.

Meanwhile, Jak met up with Pecker and Et, who were looking for the rest of the hypnotized. Damas, Ashelin, Jinx and Samos ran passed them, being chased by Gol who was yelling at them for stealing his pants. Praxis was following Gol for no apparent reason.

"I'll handle this," Jak said before whipping out his Super Nova.

The other two jumped on him to make him stop, but Pecker was too light so wasn't really helping.

Et got the Nova. "Don't shoot it at such a close distance!" he said before accidently pulling the trigger causing the missile to shoot.

"Why always me?" Praxis said before he was killed by the missile.

"That was expected," Pecker said.

"Don't you mean unexpected?" Jak asked.

"No, he's always dying so it was expected."

"Shouldn't we be catching them?" Et pointed at the hypnotized who had chased Gol up a flag poll and were slashing at the base with their bars, thinking they were light sabers.

"Why won't these work?" Jinx asked.

"Because this is a light saber!" Darth Vader said before taking one out. Gol flew down, took it and started using it as a defense weapon. However, it was made only for Darth Vader, and it shocked him. "Mine!" Vader said before taking thelight saber.

Torn and Daxter drove down the road, and they saw Praxis walking around. So they nuced him for no reason. "There," Daxter said before they were hit by the shockwave.

Erol had been captured by Veger and some freedom guards. "Why do you keep cloning yourself?" Veger asked, seeing as Erol had just made a plastic Erol named Erroll.

"I feel like it."

"Count Vecher, why don't we use the clones to round up the hypnotized?" a guard asked.

"VEGER!"

"It's not my fault that two counts have a similar name," the guard mumbled.

"But I like your idea," Veger said. "How long until you can clone?"

Erol shrugged. "No one knows."

"Five hours," Errol said, making Erol look stupid.

"I don't think this is a good idea," Keira, who had come out of no where, said.

"Who cares, it's eighteen billion against one," Veger said.

"Actually, including you, the guards and the three Erols, there's only fourteen of us here," the same guard said.

**I think I'll end it there for now.**

**Errol: How many of us will there be?**

**Cir: Quite a bit.**

**Errrol: Yipee, I'm still alive!**

**Jak: But you're still on fire.**

**Cir: The next chapter will be uploaded soon, but while you wait, why not send me a review?**


	4. Really Really Really Crazy Phones

**Time for chapter five!**

**Jak: Don't you mean four?**

**Cir: Uh... yes. I was just testing you.**

**Jak: (rolls eyes)**

**Cir: But here we go! Time for the phones to come in!**

**_BAR WARS: ATTACK OF THE PHONES  
_Chapter Four: Really Really Really Crazy Phones**

Back at the metalhead nest, Praxis had once again arrived, to see the metalheads not playing packman. "What happened to the game?" he asked.

"We died, so I ate it," one said.

"You played for eight hours straight without dying?"

"Yep!"

"Anyway, we think that we should use some kind of electromagnetic disruption controller to rule the city," the other said. Praxis and the other metalhead gave him a confused look. "A controller that can take over electric stuff." Same confused look. "A video game hand thingy." Same confused look. He held out a playstation controller with an antenna on it.

"Oh!" the other two said.

"Well let's start." The metalhead turned it on.

(In Haven City)

Veger was on the phone when the wires shot out of the wall and grabbed his dinner. They pulled it into the wall. "Hey!" Veger took out a blaster. "Give me my dinner back!" The phone shook its head.

"Now!" The phone shook its head.

"I'm a master at kung fu!" The phone laughed. Veger karate chopped the phone's head in half. "I warned it."

(In Torn and Daxter's car)

Torn was on the walkie talkie. Then the walkie talkie cord wrapped around his neck. Torn cut it in half with his bar saber. "What was that?"

"Well, I'd say that the walkie talkie just tried to strangle you," Gol said. Torn glared at him.

Jak was walking through Haven City with Kor. They had vollintered to go after Damas, Jinx and Ashelin. While they were walking through the slums, they saw Seem shaking her cell phone.

"What's wrong?" Jak asked.

"My cell just went beserk," Seem said. Then it lunged at her throat, but since it had no arms, the phone just hit her and bounced off onto the ground. Jak shot it with a peacemaker.

"Hey! That cost a lot!" Seem said angrily before chasing Jak around the slums. Let's fast forward, shall we?

Seem chased Jak around the slums, both running really fast and Kor watched. When Jak escaped, he ran into Errrol, who was still on fire.

"How can something made of wood stay on fire for so long?" Jak asked. Errrol shrugged.

Then Jinx rode by on the same yakow Jak used to escape, except he had a machine gun with a bar saber in the barrel. Jak ran after him but was kicked by the yakow across town, where Praxis had just arrived and he crushed him, killing the baron.

"Well, Metal Kor killed him already, so it doesn't matter," Jak said before throwing the corpse in a ditch.

"He wouldn't give me the Precursor Stone," Kor defended.

Jak shrugged then got hit by Torn and Daxter's car.

Next thing the two knew, their car was shot out of the sky. "We're under attack!" Daxter said from under the car with broken arms and legs.

"Help me Anakin!" Torn said, since his head was jammed in a wall by Jak who had just walked up to him.

"Good one," Vader said to Jak and they high fived.

"I'll save you quickly!" Daxter said to Torn, but since his arms and legs were broken, he had to call 911 with his tongue, wait for the ambulance which broke down half way and the driver didn't know how to fix it so he called another ambulance which crashed into the other one since it was still in the driveway, which meant Daxter was right beside the hospital. The two drivers called a professional, which crashed into the ambulance since the brakes were broken. It took them about an hour to fix it, then the ambulance ran out of gas. The driver had to walk to the gas station and bring back a can, which it filled up the ambulance with, by which time the repair man had brought Daxter to the hospital, but since they didn't treat animals, they took him to the vet where his owner (Jak) had to fill out forms. The vet went to get green eco, but was out so he had to order more. After ten minutes, the eco came, but Jak dropped it and it splattered on the vet, by which time Daxter's bones were healed so he went to find where Torn was.

Daxter pulled Torn's head out. "Told you I'd do it quick, right Odi?" Daxter said. Torn rolled his eyes.

"Now, let's find those villians!"

(Somewhere else)

Et and Pecker had somehow captured Jinx, who had gone on a rampage with his bar machine gun. Pecker had overpowered him (huh?) and tied Jinx to a chair. "This is no way to treat Mace Windu!" he yelled over and over, so Et put and apple in his mouth.

"So what now?" Pecker asked.

"I de-hypnotize him," Et said before sitting in a chair that magically appeared and started reading a book.

"Well?" Pecker said.

"I have to read how to de-hypnotize," Et said.

"Why can't you just say 'you are back to normal'?" Pecker asked.

"Either I do the professional was, or, if I do what you said, I have to talk about every single thing that happened in his life," Et answered.

Pecker groaned. "Exactly how long will that take?" he asked.

"Well, the chapter's over in about 50 pages." Pecker groaned again before he was hit with the apple Jinx had spit out.

Jak was standing around, doing nothing in particular, when Veger jumped behind him. "What's wrong Vecher?"

"Can you stop getting my name CONFUSED WITH THAT OF ANOTHER COUNT?" Veger screamed. Jak shook his head. "Anyway, Torn and Daxter are trying to slice me in half, claiming I'm some Dooku, which I have no idea about."

"Count Dooku was a Jedi who left and decided to join the Dark Side. It was mostly because he thought it was the good guy's fault that Qui-Gon Jinn died, so he decided to go bad. He was a very good fighter, and was able to defeat Obi and Anakin, but in the third Star Wars he was killed by Anakin who cut his head off. That must mean that they're after you to kill you, so you need to be really good at fighting," Jak said.

"SO THEY WANT ME DEAD?" Veger screamed.

"Basically."

He somehow jumped up onto a roof and hid behind a lot of junk. "How'd he do that?" Jak wondered out loud.

Torn and Daxter ran up to Jak. "Palpatine, have you seen Dooku anywhere?" Daxter asked.

"Uh...He went that way," Jak said, pointing in the wrong direction. "I would of stopped him, but he...uh... had a bad sandwich."

Torn and Daxter ran in that direction. "They're gone," Jak said, to get no reply. "Veger?" No reply. Then Jak got an idea. "Where are you Count Vecher?"

"VEGER!" Veger screamed, poking his head over a chimney.

"Well now that I have your attention, they're gone!" Jak said.

"Jak, have you seen my pet?" Kor, who came out of no where, asked.

"I never knew you had a pet," Jak answered.

"I do."

"I don't want to marry you!"

Kor smacked his forehead. "I mean I do have a pet. It's a gigantic four legged monster with fangs the size of your ears (and remember that their ears are about a foot long) and blood red eyes, and it makes Metal me look like a sissy," Kor explained.

"Wow."

"And that thing's on the loose?" Veger yelled.

"I know you're upset-"

But Kor was cut off. "Upset? I'm delighted!" Veger said. "If I catch that, I could be promoted!" Veger laughed maniacally.

"The stress has gotten to him," Jak said to Kor. "Just back away slowly..." They ran for their lives.

**There you go, another chapter!**

**Jak: So?**

**Cir: Good point. I'll just tell you to review. Review!**


	5. Eep

**First of all I'm sorry this took so long. I've been really busy lately with tonnes of homework. And I got a great new video game! It's great, but I beat it... : (**

**Jak: Of course all that is good for all us!**

**Cir: Time for a historical chapter. You'll see why.**

**_BAR WARS : ATTACK OF THE PHONES  
_Chapter Five: "Eep."**

Jak was looking around with Praxis and Errrol, who for once, wasn't on fire. But that changed when a zoomer exploded on a wall and set him on fire again. "Why can't anything leave me alone?" he groaned.

The three were busy looking for Kor's pet, while at the same time, keeping an eye out for anything.

"Why do we have to get the dangerous mission?" Praxis groaned. "I don't want to die for the seventh time!"

"Is it seven?" Jak asked.

"Would _you _keep track of how many times you died?" Praxis asked.

"Well, I'm sure from all the people that have played games with me in it, I've probably died at least a billion times," Jak replied.

"That's right, and-" Praxis was suddenly stepped on by Kor's pet. It did have four legs, but it also had four heads, four butts, four eyes, four tails, seven toes, four nostrils and four ears. It growled and snapped at Jak, who replied with: "Eep."

Errrol punched it but all that did was snap his wrist. Praxis crawled out from underneath the foot. "I'm okay!" he said before the pet farted and made him faint.

"I'm surprised he hasn't died with his luck," Erol said.

"When did you get here?" Kor asked.

"When did you?"

"I asked first!"

"Fifteen seconds ago, you?"

"Same."

While they talked, the pet walked away.

Veger was walking down the street with a belt with grenades, asemi-automatic rifle and a mini-nuc, which Ratchet from Ratchet and Clank took back and sacked him.

"Why are you so heavily armed?" Errol asked.

"Torn and Daxter are trying to kill me!" Veger answered.

"Is that why they're trying to sniper you?" Errol asked before stepping in front of the bullet which bounced off his metal.

"Probably." He shot the water tower beside Daxter and Torn, who were on a roof, and it flooded them into the ocean, so they swam to the wasteland, where Kleiver and Seem were.

"Maybe I should work at MacRonald's," Kleiver said to her. "What do you think?"

"I think you should stop following me around when I buy my food!" Seem said before putting some cheese into a bugie.

"Maybe Hot dog King?"

"Are you even listening to me?"

"You're right, Green Lobster is better."

Seem threw Kleiver into a freezer that ice cream is kept in and put a stack of concrete blocks to keep him from getting out, when Torn blew up the wall that had hot dogs. "What now?" Daxter asked Torn.

Seem threw them in another freezer and did the same.

Jak came in the same hole. "Where are they?"

Seem was still mad at Jak for destroying her cell phone so she threw him in a freezer and piled up anvils, dug a moat around it and dumped full grown crocodiles into the moat.

Kor's pet backed away slowly, wimpering (which must mean it was pretty scared since it is a giant monster!).

(Back in Haven City)

Pecker had beaten the entire Sly Cooper series before Et had finished reading the chapter. Then he was able to beat Halo 1, 2 and Ratchet and Clank 3.

"Done!" Et said, closing the book.

"Finally!" Pecker said. "So un-hypnotize him!"

Et took out adiamond bat and hit Jinx in the head so hard that the bat broke it half, set on fire and the broken part went flying and knocked the moon out of orbit. Jinx's eyes were completely unfocused for a second before he went into a coma.

Pecker twitched. "_What the hell was that_?"

"That's what you do to unhypnotize him," Et said before putting the stump that was left of the flaming bat back in a case. "He should wake up in a month or two."

"Why did that take so long to read?" Pecker asked.

"I was actually reading a Garfield comic."

Pecker growled. "Maybe one of us shouldstay andmake sure he doesn't get eaten by metalheads," he said. "I vote you."But Et Cetera had already left.

Daxter and Torn were driving in their destroyed car, meaning it could only go about 3 kilometres an hour and had puffs of smoke coming from the engine. "I hate that Sidious," Torn said.

"You can say that again Odi Wack Canoe," Daxter said.

"I hate that Sidious."

"I didn't mean to say it again," Daxter said.

"I hate that Sidious."

"Stop!"

"I wasn't paying attention to anything except 'say it again'," Torn said.

**Hmmm, this isn't going anywhere. Time to check the plot of Star Wars 2. Aha! I know what to do...**

"I think I should visit my mom," Daxter said.

"Okay," Torn said. "Just... where would she be?"

Daxter didn't have an answer. "Let's go to another planet." And so they got lost in the palace because they drove through a window and were too stupid to drive back out it or down the stairs.

**Good enough for now.**

**Jak: (frozen solid) Pez derest meh!**

**Cir: Shut up. Review!**


	6. Daxter's so Called Mom

**Grade 7 has to be in the Guiness World Records for "grade with most homework"!**

**Jak: My grade seven was simple.**

**Cir: That's because you _were _the history!**

**And Ripper-Roo, that's why that was historical: Praxis lived!**

**Praxis: Will that happen often?**

**Cir: No. Musashi the Master, I've gotten your idea. Many times now.**

**_BAR WARS : ATTACK OF THE PHONES  
_Chapter Six: Daxter's so Called "Mom"**

Torn and Daxter screamed as the car they were in drove through one of the palace's windows. That person they kept hitting was just walking around when the car landed on him, and he went to the hospital swearing at them.

Jak snuck up into a bush beside the car that was splattered against the pavement. "How can a car splatter?" Torn asked while scratching his head.

Jak took out a lasso and threw it. It missed Torn and Daxter and wrapped around Praxis's neck. He choked to death. Jak groaned and pulled the lasso back. He threw Praxis's body into the sewer, and tried again. The lasso missed and hit Erroll. Jak pulled it back but he stretched the plastic Erroll.

Jak made another attempt. He missed again and pulled a customer out the window of a MacRonald's restaurant.

(In the wasteland)

Kleiver was still stuck in the freezer, unlike the others. It might have been because Seem used up most of the bricks on him, or it might have been the fact that he was frozen solid.

Damas ran by the freezer screaming as eight wasteland metalheads chased him, which were under the control of Errol. "THIS IS FOR HAVING A SON THAT KILLED ME TWICE!" Errol screamed before one wasteland metalhead shot at Damas.

(Back in Haven City)

Daxter walked up to Erol, who was on his racing zoomer, ordering out of a Burger King take-out window. "I'll have a burger with ketchup, cheese, pickles, mustard, anchovies, chicken and sushi. And lay off the chicken, anchovies, sushi and the burger," Erol said.

"Hi mom!" Daxter said to Erol, who gave him a look as if Daxter was a deranged phycopath.

"Anyway, I also want a milkshake, fries and some McNuggets," Erol continued.

"We don't have McNuggets," the order window person said.

"Mom?"

"Thwn what's the closest thing that you have?"

"Mom!"

"Chicken wings."

"Good enough."

"MO-"

Daxter was kicked by Erol, and he went flying into a building. Erol reversed and rammed into Daxter. "Oops," Erol said sarcastically, before driving away laughing. Erol was driving, when, where the warning lights are, he saw a picture of an ottsel grabbing the back of the zoomer. Erol turned around and saw Daxter doing that.

"LET GO!" Erol screamed before taking out his gun.

"But mom!"

"I'M NOT YOUR M-" The zoomer crashed into a statue and Erol went flying off. "You pile of sh-" Erol's head was jammed into a wall.

"MOM!" Daxter cried. "I'LL AVENGE YOUR DEATH!"

"Not... dead!" Erol's muffled voice said.

Daxter took up the gun Erol dropped.

Damas was walking through the city when Et hit him in the head with the bat, which knocked him into a coma. Et blew out the fire as if he fired a gun, but he just blew some of the fire onto his sleeve. "This can't turn out good..." he said as it spread up his arm.

Pecker was sitting on a chair beside an unconscience Jinx (Jinx in a coma would put it better. Hmmm, I got an idea! _Jinx in a coma! Works like a miracle! Only 16.79!_) doing nothing important.

Jak was walking around, looking for Daxter, when he got shot in the arm. "Hey!" He looked and saw Daxter shooting anything that moved. Then he saw Erol taking his head out of a wall. Jak rolled his eyes, picked Daxter up by the tail, and pried the gun from his hand. Daxter started trying to claw Jak, who was too far away.

"Stop teasing him," Errrol (still on fire) said, before he was hit in the face by a boot Daxter threw. "On second thought, want a cookie?" Daxter nodded. "TOO BAD, 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T REACH IT! HA!" He dangled the cookie in front of Daxter, who leaped out of Jak's hands, and grabbed the cookie, before he started running.

"GET BACK HERE WITH _MY _COOKIE!"

Meanwhile, Erol made another clone, a ghost one, known as Airol.

**Next chapter will have a little something about Airol and Torn. Remember, Erol used to be Qui-Gon Jinn, so I'll let you guess.**

**Airol: I don't think that they have to guess.**

**Cir: Do you think I care, review!**


	7. Airol wants a Bagel

**Time for the next chapter! Coming in this chapter: One of the funniest ways Praxis has died, more on Airol, and that's basically it.**

**Jak: How does Praxis die?**

**Cir: You'll see soon. Well, time to start the chapter now! And I've finally seen AOTC (Attack of the Clones)! Well, most of it. I missed the beginning, seeing as it was on TV.**

**_BAR WARS: ATTACK OF THE PHONES  
_Chapter Seven: Airol wants a Bagel**

Jak took out his broken lasso and threw it away, seeing as Kor's pet got at it. He tried to lasso around its throat, but he missed and it went though the giant pair of scissors. Then the pet bit it.

Airol floated around when Torn showed up. "Qui-Gon! You've returned as a ghost!" he said.

Airol raised an eyebrow. "What?" he asked.

"Qui-Gon! I am at your service!"

Then a lightbulb appeared above Airol's head, or maybe it was because someone in a building behind him turned a bulb on, and it looked like it was over his head. "Yes! I am Qui-Gon!" Airol said before shaking his fingers ghost-like. "Now, fetch me a bagel!"

"Yes sir!" Torn said before going to get one.

"Oh, and you'll have to stab it first, or I can't eat it!" Airol yelled after him.

"Okay!"

(Meanwhile)

Veger threw a grenade at Daxter who was running away with Errrol's cookie. It missed and landed at Praxis's feet. "Deja vu!" he said before throwing the grenade back. Veger caught it and threw it back. (**Daxter: That's one long lasting grenade! Cir: He hasn't pulled the pin. Daxter: Oh.**) Veger's throw missed and it landed in the port, where it exploded because someone pulled the pin and threw it.

Jak leapt on Torn's back who threw him off, which stunned Jak. Torn jumped on a zoomer. Back a bit, Jak was still stunned. Torn exited Haven City. But Jak was still stunned. Torn brought his bagel to Airol. And Jak was stunned still.

"Here's your bagel Qui-Gon!" Torn said.

"Okay, now get me a peanut butter sandwich, also stabbed!"

"Yes sir!"

Kleiver fell out of the freezer and clinged onto the ground, seeing as he was frozen. The person who opened the freezer shrugged and left, without getting whatever they opened the freezer for.

Praxis was drinking something. "That's acid you're drinking," Erol said.

"Corection, BATTERY acid," Praxis said happily.

"Ok...ay, that's 1on the ph scale, it was nice knowin' ya," Erol said before turning around as Praxis stopped drinking and fell over, dead.

Airol was walking around, drinking a milkshake. Every sip he took went through him and onto the ground, and people who walked by slipped fell, and were knocked out.

"Something tells me machines are gonna blow something up," Torn said.

"And something tells me that I need a pizza!" Airol said. "And would it kill you to get some apple juice?

Daxter was still trying to avenge Erol's "death". He bought a shotgun and aimed at someone. He fired but was blown off his feet and was sent flying into a steel wall. Everyone ignored him.

Torn was about to go to another part of town, when Kor's pet, riden by the metalhead leader himself, stepped on him. After he regained feeling in his legs, Torn went to the industrial section, where they built zoomers. "So this is where they'r building the machines!" he said.

An employee walked up to Torn. "Hi Torn," he said.

"DROID!" Torn said and killed the guy with his bar saber.

Torn saw the people working on building zoomers, and he push a gigantic vat of oil down at them. The people screamed and ran as fast as they could to the exit. Torn jumped in front of them with spring shoes. "You won't escape!" he said. The people ran left or right, and the vat hit Torn head on.

"Metic," was all he had the strength to say.

Jak saw Daxter running from Veger, who had a grenade. "I'LL GET YOU FOR BITING ME!" Veger screamed and threw the grenade.

Jak rolled his eyes and began walking away, when a nuclear explotion caused the ground to shake. "Strong grenade," he said.

Veger and Daxter were covered in ash and standing completely still. "Ow."

**And there's chapter seven. The reason Airol wants food is that he can't get any unless someone else kills it.**

**Torn: Why did I kill someone?**

**Cir: Because you think that they're evil.**

**Jak: How he kill someone with a crowbar?**

**Cir: Well...uh... Review!**


	8. Captured by Morons

**Now for a new chapter.**

**Jak: Captured by morons?**

**Cir: Yep! This is basically the part where they get tied to poles in a stadium place and the bad guys sic monsters on them.**

**_BAR WARS: ATTACK OF THE PHONES  
_Chapter Eight: Captured by Morons**

After much trouble, the employees finally tied up Torn, and Veger took him to the FL HQ (Lot of capitals).

"So how long until we de-hypnotize him?" Veger asked Et.

"Well, I need a new bat, since it shattered to pieces on Kleiver," he answered.

Veger raised an eyebrow. "He wasn't hypnotized!"

"I just don't like him." Et walked to the elevator.

"What do we do with him?" a guard asked Veger, who saw that Torn was trying to knaw his way through the ropes.

Veger thought for a second. "Let's tie him up in the stadium, along with those two," Veger said, pointing at Daxter and Ashelin. "They were found blowing up portipotties, claiming they were nuclear bombs."

Jak was about to enter HQ when everybody left. "Hey! Have you seen Kor?" he asked them.

"Which, Metal or normal?" a guard asked. "Erol cloned him too," he added.

"Either."

"Well, Metal Kor just flew over you and normal is standing in front of you."

Jak turned to Kor. "Have you seen Daxter?" he asked.

"He just went by you," Kor said, pointing at the group which was heading to the rebuilt stadium.

When they got there, some guards tied the three to poles, making Daxter's extra tight and taking away the hacksaw he had. The guard snapped the blade off and gave the handle back. Veger, Jak, and the guards went in the floating platform. "You'll be untied once you're hypnotized back," Veger said.

Then Metal Kor flew over. "Look who I found!" he said happily before pulling on a leash. Kor's pet burst through the wall. It saw the three tied to the poles and licked its lips. Metal Kor saw them tied to the poles too. "Is this some kind of cruel joke?" he asked.

The pet bit through the leash and charged at Torn. Torn screamed and tipped the pole so he was on his feet with it tied to its back. He began running, surprisingly fast for someone with a twenty foot tall pole tied to their back.

Then one of the giant elephant metalheads barged in. "Boss, the Hoppers are on strike again," it said to Metal Kor.

Daxter and Ashelin saw Metal Kor and the metalhead and thought they were supposed to exicute them. Daxter knawed through the ropes and threw a rock at Metal Kor.

"Ouch! My eye!" Metal Kor said. "I'll kill you for that!"

Metal Kor flew at Daxter who screamed and ran onto the racetrack. Daxter jumped on a zoomer and Metal Kor broke the track. Then he went after Daxter. Daxter saw Metal Kor and threw a shoe. It missed and hit Jak.

Daxter saw the gap and drove at it top speed. The zoomer went flying like a jump. "I'm gonna make it!" Daxter said. But it fell onto the ground and blew up, sending Daxter flying. Torn was still running, screaming when Daxter went flying and hit him over.

Daxter saw the pet and took a chainsaw out of no where. He started cutting Torn's ropes with it. "Easy, easy...OUCH! TOO FAR!" Torn yelled when Daxtercut his arm.

"Why don't some of you go down there and stop them from killing us all?" Veger asked.

"Are you crazy? I wanna live!" Jak said.

Veger pushed a few guards down there. "We need reinforcements!" Torn said.

"Who are you talking to?" Ashelin asked. She hadn't attacked anything, so nothing was after her.

"I dunno. Yoda?" Torn answered. The pet jumped behind him and tried to eat him, but Torn turned and the pole smacked it in the face, which knocked it out.

Metal Kor walked over to Daxter. "_Die._"

"Hi!" Daxter said.

"I said die, not hi!" Kor shot one of those forehead shots at him. Daxter screamed and climbed to the top of the pole he was tied to. "You'll never get me up here!" he said.

Metal Kor flew up in front of him. Daxter jumped off. "Odi Wack Canoe! Help!" he yelled.

Torn took out a gun and shotat Metal Kor. It missed and went right through the thing that kept the platform Jak, Veger and two guards on floating.

"He almost killed us!" Jak said. Veger gave him a "nooo, really?" look.

Metal Kor shot a forehead shot that missed and almost hit the guards. They all dropped their guns and ran out the door. Metal Kor rolled his eyes and turned to Torn and Daxter. Then Metal Kor fell asleep, and they saw three tranquilizer darts in his butt. And, in the doorway was Praxis with Erol, Errol (both playing cards), Errrol (still on fire), Erroll (picking his nose) and Airol (asleep).

"That's the best clone army you came up with?" Torn said.

Praxis shrugged. "Best I could do on such short notice," he answered.

"I told you three weeks ago!"

**And that is "Captured by morons"!**

**Veger: Morons?**

**Praxis: I lived!**

**Cir: That was the last time.**

**Praxis: That's it! I'm filing a lawsuit!**

**Cir: Meh. Review!**


	9. The Clones Attack?

**I've been thinking for a bit.**

**Jak: No, you've been thinking for a loooooong time!**

**Cir: Okay, a loooooong time, as he put it, I've been working on this chapter. Not to mention that I just beat JakX. And now that I've got it ready, you can read it! Enjoy The Clones Attack!**

**_BAR WARS: ATTACK OF THE PHONES  
_Chapter Nine: The Clones Attack...?**

"This thing is getting really odd," Veger said.

"Why is Homer Simpson there?" Jak asked. Sure enough, Homer was with the clones, eating a pizza. He burped and ran away from the advancing Metal Kor.

"Didn't you die?" Airol asked.

"I was tranquilized, not killed," he said. "But I'd love to kill you!" He took one stepped and fell asleep again, with three new tranquilizers in his butt. They all looked at Praxis, who was behind him.

"Weren't you just in front of him?" Erroll asked.

Praxis opened his mouth then closed it. "I think I was..." he muttered, but was shot by Veger and died.

"I've always wanted to do that!" Veger said, with a look on his face as though he just was given the world's largest milkshake. "Anyway, stop them before they kill us!"

The guards looked at him. "No...way!" they all said at once.

"Jak?"

Jak was sitting on a lawn chair down in the stadium, wearing some sunglasses and getting a tan. "No way, too busy," Jak said. Veger groaned and saw that all the Erols were in front of him. They cracked their knuckles simutaniously, then started pounding the life out of Veger.

The real Veger snuck away while the clones pounded the life out of his clone.

"Where's Dooku going?" Daxter asked Torn.

"MY NAME IS VEGER YOU MORONS SO STOP CALLING ME DOOKU, THAT IS A STAR WARS CHARACTER WHICH I AM NOT!" Veger yelled.

"Let's follow Dooku ("VEGER, YOU HYPNOTIZED MORON!") and see where he's going," Torn said.

Veger glanced around and saw all the guards gambling and playing poker. "Will you attack them?" Veger screamed.

"No way," One Guard said.

"I have no way of protecting myself!" Another said. And sure enough, he had lost his gun and armour.

"Flush!" One Guard said and Another threw his cards at the ground.

"Do we get paid for this?" Some Guard asked.

"No, but yes since we're on duty!" One Guard said. Some Guard shrugged and Another left since One Guard had all his s stuff.

Veger began running out of the stadium as fast as he could, and all the clones plus Torn, Daxter and the original Erol chased after him. Veger jumped into his personnel zoomer and began driving. All of the others got into a randomtow truck and began driving after him. Daxter went to where the hook was and fired it at Veger. It ripped his underwear right out from under his pants. "It isn't broken," he said when he saw it.

Torn, who was driving, looked back at Daxter, causing thetow truck to steer out of control and crashed into one of the slum's giant ditches.

"I thought Torn filled these in while I was temporarily dead?" Erol asked.

"Last time I saw them, they were filled!" Errol said.

They all climbed out of hetow truck as One Guard, Another and Some Guard walked by. "Where are we?" Another asked.

"The slums you idiot!" One Guard answered.

The clones ran after Veger, but since he was on a zoomer he got away. They all stopped running and went to go somewhere else.

Veger stopped when he was far enough away and jumped off the zoomer, where Jak appeared out of nowhere. "So I see that you're still alive," Jak said.

"No thanks to you!" Veger yelled.

Jak shrugged and pushed Veger into a ditch. "That was for laughing at Damas's death!" Jak said.

"I'm dead?" Damas said. "Does that mean that I'm a ghost?"

"No," Airol said. "If you were then that hamburger wouldn't be going down your throat."

Et appeared out of no where. "I found a way to de-hypnotize the rest of them!" he said.

"How would that be?" Jak asked. "It better not involve a hacksaw, because last time Daxter saw one of those, he began trying to saw his tail off."

"It doesn't involve a hacksaw," Et said. "We just need to round them off into a place nobody will miss."

"How about the stadium?" Jak suggested. "No one will miss zoomer races!" Erol punched him in the face.

"Good idea!" Et said, but Erol punched him too.

**Sorry to say, but next chapter will be the last of this story. But I'll release the next, however it may take a while.**

**Jak: Fine by me!**

**Cir: I have my other story with the rest of you in it too! And there's still another chapter of this! Review!**


	10. Bombs Away!

**Now, I present the final chapter of Attack of the Phones! The one where they're all de-hypnotized!**

**Everyone who's hypnotized: Yay!**

**Cir: In the most painful way possible!**

**Everyone who's hypnotized: Boo!**

**Praxis: The court denied my lawsuit! I'll have to go on strike! (takes out a sign saying "I DON'T WAT TO DIE ALL THE TIME!") STRIKE! STRIKE! STRIKE! STRIKE!**

**Cir: I like to call this chapter...**

**_BAR WARS: ATTACK OF THE PHONES  
_Chapter Ten: Bombs Away!**

It took some time, but Jak, Et, Damas, Errol, Errrol, Erroll, Airol, Pecker, Gol, Kliever and Seem finally managed to get everyone who was hypnotized into the stadium. Erol, as protest for doing some bad to the stadium, tied himself to the scoreboard (don't ask why it's there) to yell insults at anyone who came into sight. When he called Jak a "Dumpfaced moron who couldn't put on his shoe if it was a velcrow!", Jak shot the rope, and threw him in a bird cage in the pet shop.

Et, who was on the repaired floating platform, put on safety goggles.

"Um... What exactly are you going to do?" Jak asked.

"I'm gonna bomb the place," Et said. "As long as the bomb itself doesn't hit anyone, no one will die." Errol looked very disappointed. "Just severely in pain. I'm launching it at the door in is, since no one is over there."

"What are we doing in here?" Daxter asked and Torn shrugged.

Et pressed a button which launched a bomb. It began coming down right where no one was.

Praxis walked into the stadium. "Hey, guy! I found out how to live forever!" he said as he walked right to where the bomb was going to hit. "You have to-"

The bomb blew up Praxis, and the shockwave hit everyone who was hypnotized, knocking them over and badly wounding them. Errol cheered, Kliever laughed and Jak went down to see if Praxis was still alive... which he wasn't.

(At the hospital)

The doctor came in. "Baron Praxis is dead," he said.

"We knew that three weeks ago!" Erol said.

"Then why're you here?"

"Visiting hours," Jak replied. Everyone who was hypnotized (now de-hypnotized) was in the same ward, wrapped in body casts.

"I really hate Et," Daxter said. How he said that was a mystery, since the cast was covering his face completely.

Pecker landed on Daxter's bed. "Hey, now I can fight with him without getting hurt!" Pecker kicked Daxter in the crotch, who yipped in pain. Pecker laughed, but then it got boring from Daxter not fighting back.

Torn, who was farthest from the explosion, only had an arm cast, a leg cast, and a neck brace. "Well, I think we've all learn a lesson," he said. "Always wear sunglasses, so we don't get hypnotized.

"That's why I always have these goggles around my neck!" Keira said. "They're actually so that hypnotizing don't get me."

"And that's why I got new sunglasses!" Damas said, pointing to the sunglasses he was wearing. "They're so thick, that I can't see a thing unless there's a 500 watt light bulb!" He walked into the doorframe, kicked Pecker out the window while walking and sat on Metal Kor's head, who couldn't do anything because he was in a bodycast too (did I ever say that they removed the tranquilized Kor when then launched the bomb?).

Veger walked in, really happy. "Praxis is gone for good!" he said happily. Then Praxis walked by the window, since they were on the ground floor. "Crud!" He picked up a sniper rifle and ran to the elevator. They waited a minute, then heard a gunshot, Praxis swearing, then another shot, but no Praxis noise.

Jak went over to the window. "The important thing is that everyone's alive," he said, but he saw Praxis's dead body glaring at him. "Almost everyone. Wonder what the other Kor's up to?"

(At the metalhead nest)

"I have an evil plan!" the non-cloned Metal Kor said.

"What is it boss?" the first of the two Packman playing metalheads asked.

Metal Kor laughed. "If I tell you, you have to promise not to kill yourselfs!" he said.

"We won't," they both said at once.

"If I jump over the barrels, maybe I'll survive longer!" he said, turning to a Donkey Kong arcade game.("Must... resist... urge... to... kill... self..." one metalhead muttered) He jumped over a few barrels, but then he died. Kor roared and ate the game whole.

(Back at the hospital)

"Hey, where Sig been this whole time?" Ashelin asked.

"I can answer that!" Krew said. "I sent him on a mission in the wasteland!"

(In the wasteland)

Sig was on top of alarge tree in the oasis, shooting at metalheads attempting to climb the tree. "KREW! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Sig yelled before shooting another.

(Back at the hospital)

"Well, everyone's happy!" Errrol (still of fire) said, and Torn smacked him with one of his crutches.

"Give him a hit for me!" Daxter said.

"And me!" Metal Kor said.

They all said "And me!" untilErrrol had been hit thanks to Daxter, Metal Kor, Ashelin, Grim, Jinx, Mog, Tess, Vin and, for some strange reason, Damas.

Errol was twitching on the ground when they were done.

**That ends Bar Wars: Attack of the Phones! Here are all the next in the series:**

**Bar Wars III: Revenge of the Pizzaman  
Bar Wars IV: A Blue Dope  
Bar Wars V: The Booze Strikes Back  
Bar Wars VI: Return of the Drunk  
Bar Wars VII: The Lost Breakfast Burito**

**The last one I made up a few days ago.**

**Jak: A _seventh _one?.!**

**Everyone: (groans)**

**Cir: Mwahaha! The next one may not come out for a bit, since I have so many stories to write. Review, and I hope you enjoyed!**


End file.
